epiphany #3

"sometimes people don't want to fall in love.
because when you love someone, it's too late to set conditions.
you can't say 'i'll love you if you do this' or 'i'll love you if you change that'
because you can't help yourself;
and then you have to live with whoever it is you fall in love with, however they are
and just put up with the difficulties you've made for yourself
because true love has no conditions.

that's why it's so awful to fall in love."

my heart is a martyr.

so for a long time i've had this hidden creed. it's the way i've dealt with separation and rejection for as long as i can remember. and it has been effective -- to a point. i've told myself that should i be so determined to remove someone from my life personally, not socially, so that the causal term of acquaintances can be applied, but nothing more, that person would cease to affect me. i feel like we all have this creed. as a way from shielding ourselves from future pains. casting an invisible suit of armor made of indifference, age and experience to guard ourselves from ever feeling vulnerable again. encasing your ability to love in a film of kryptonite to protect you from the only danger that causes you to re-examine yourself: being hurt.

now i always thought i didn't believe in heart break, but a series of events that took place about a year ago left me with a different sentiment. bruised, battered, broken and undoubtedly wounded, my heart fought to keep beating in my chest, while i created the most impenetrable fortress for it to reside in til the end of days; hate.

it has taken me until now to realize that this fortress of hate was in fact the least protective of them all. because it showed that i still cared.

i let myself continue along the well beaten path of my creed of emotional excavation. however this path was different. regardless of the feelings that once were, a good friend is a good friend. so i continued to talk to him about practically everything our world revolved around: life, God, death, love, and family. i had the frequent and not at all subtle pains of having my heartstrings plucked when he would talk about girls he liked, what he feared, and what he was excited for, and conditioned myself to think that this sensation was coupled with this new fortress in my chest - the one of hate. that these potent pains were flames of hate raging in the vital organ in my chest to stop his searching heart from finding mine. a defense mechanism. but too soon, these pains became constant aches. a feeling similar to having heartbreak again, my heart was fighting it's fortress. the sensation was not a defense mechanism, it was the feeling of surrender. my heart convincing my mind that it wanted to be joined with this heart no matter the hurt. because the suffering was less this way than it was being alone.

and now as i sit here i notice something about this, my heart. that it is still broken. still haggardly beating the way it had when it was bruised, battered and wounded, and instead of allowing itself to heal in seclusion, it is wrapped around this, his heart, which is beating strong full and without any need of me to continue it's race, while again this, my heart will only continue down it's weary path for as long as his heart remains unscathed. this, my heart, is a martyr. for love.

so what does this all mean? as strange of a path as this has all taken, and as young as i my be, i think it means this: he's the "one". you know when people tell you there will always be a person in your life that you are fully and irreversibly in love with? that "one". and now you have had the same epiphany i had at 4 AM and your are thinking "FML". or rather "FYL" (fuck your life)...

no i don't know what i'm going to do about it. but now i know what this is.

<3. seriously.

"in our darkest hour, in my deepest despair, will you still care?
will you be there?
in my trials and my tribulations, through our doubts and frustrations
in my violence, in my turbulence, through my fear and my confessions
in my anguish and my pain, through my joy and my sorrow
in the promise of another tomorrow,
i'll never let you part- for you are always in my heart."

oldies, but goodies.

6 AUGUST 2008


title: “consider this the bitterest goodbye…. kiss mine”

dear __________,

i am revoking your friendship. please do not bother replying or reapplying. all further inquiries can be directed to your lack of common sense.

thank you.

<3.


25 AUGUST 2008

title: introduction.

hi, i’m addy.

i’m ninteen years old, five foot nine inches short, and i have love handles.

i wear my heart on my sleeve, but there’s a steel bracelet hovering over it at all times. good luck trying to reach it.

my sense of self sucks, but my sense of others is impeccable.

i’m attracted to shallow men who spend more time primping than i do.

i attract shallow men who spend more time primping than i do. this is a problem.

i don’t believe that common ground is safe ground.
hi, my name is addy, and i plan on changing the world.

<3.


4 NOVEMBER 2008

title: i am a snowflake.

i am a snowflake. i am special and unique.

i am a hopless romantic, periodic existentialist, finite objectivist, and a timeless human being.

YOU are NOT a snowflake. hah.

purposefully repressed [excavated from the black heart of a negress]

like i said before i had a blog before this... many blogs before this.
i left the last one with the intent to never rediscover it. it was a blog created for and by all the worst reasons to make a blog - writing for someone else.

and i started to realize this, and my posts became more pointed and bitter.
until i finally stopped writing it.

a little over a week ago, i received an e-mail saying someone commented on it, and it had been the first thought i have given to that blog since the day i abandoned it. long story short; repression works, folks.

i won't try and hide it; so if you ever wanna see the definition of forced blogging and false emotion, you can read it here: http://splendorinthegrass.wordpress.com/

i was quite literally, writing someone else's disrepair in my words... and that someone else took my words and plastered them elsewhere as their own. in light of these repressed and very much recalled memories i went back to the blog, and i found a few gems among the rubbish. and i'll be re posting them here, cause i'm proud of them. they are the few momemnts of yes, bitter, but reality that i had in that god forsaken blog.

hate is a strong word - but i really really really don't like you

I won't regret saying this
This thing that I'm saying
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut,
That goes without saying
Call (call) break (break) it (it) off (off)
Call (call) break (break) my (my) own heart (heart)
Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad but, in case I'll go there everyday
To make myself feel bad, there's a chance
I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do

i know, i know, i know [you're still my love]

From hundreds of miles, yeah, you cry like a baby.
You plead with me, shout, scream, tell me I'm staying.
I know I know I know, I'm still your love.
Back from the last place that I wanted to fake,
You laugh with me, shout, scream, now tell me you're staying.
I know I know I know, you're still my love.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Box after box and you're still by my side.
The weather is changing and breaking my stride.
Oh well I know I know I know, it's just this day.
House after house, just like car after car,
You see club after club, and it all seems so far.
I know I know I know, what else are we here for?
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Stick your hands inside of my pockets,
Keep them warm while I'm still here.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.

Last night I was writing about you,
I know my screaming and shouting won't keep you.
I know I know I know, you're still my love.
I wake up to the sound of you working,
In one room right over, you're stressing and loving me.
I know I know I know, be still my love.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Stick your hands inside of my pockets,
Keep them warm while I'm still here.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.
Stick your heart inside of my chest,
Keep it warm here while we rest.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.

The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.