my heart is a martyr.

so for a long time i've had this hidden creed. it's the way i've dealt with separation and rejection for as long as i can remember. and it has been effective -- to a point. i've told myself that should i be so determined to remove someone from my life personally, not socially, so that the causal term of acquaintances can be applied, but nothing more, that person would cease to affect me. i feel like we all have this creed. as a way from shielding ourselves from future pains. casting an invisible suit of armor made of indifference, age and experience to guard ourselves from ever feeling vulnerable again. encasing your ability to love in a film of kryptonite to protect you from the only danger that causes you to re-examine yourself: being hurt.

now i always thought i didn't believe in heart break, but a series of events that took place about a year ago left me with a different sentiment. bruised, battered, broken and undoubtedly wounded, my heart fought to keep beating in my chest, while i created the most impenetrable fortress for it to reside in til the end of days; hate.

it has taken me until now to realize that this fortress of hate was in fact the least protective of them all. because it showed that i still cared.

i let myself continue along the well beaten path of my creed of emotional excavation. however this path was different. regardless of the feelings that once were, a good friend is a good friend. so i continued to talk to him about practically everything our world revolved around: life, God, death, love, and family. i had the frequent and not at all subtle pains of having my heartstrings plucked when he would talk about girls he liked, what he feared, and what he was excited for, and conditioned myself to think that this sensation was coupled with this new fortress in my chest - the one of hate. that these potent pains were flames of hate raging in the vital organ in my chest to stop his searching heart from finding mine. a defense mechanism. but too soon, these pains became constant aches. a feeling similar to having heartbreak again, my heart was fighting it's fortress. the sensation was not a defense mechanism, it was the feeling of surrender. my heart convincing my mind that it wanted to be joined with this heart no matter the hurt. because the suffering was less this way than it was being alone.

and now as i sit here i notice something about this, my heart. that it is still broken. still haggardly beating the way it had when it was bruised, battered and wounded, and instead of allowing itself to heal in seclusion, it is wrapped around this, his heart, which is beating strong full and without any need of me to continue it's race, while again this, my heart will only continue down it's weary path for as long as his heart remains unscathed. this, my heart, is a martyr. for love.

so what does this all mean? as strange of a path as this has all taken, and as young as i my be, i think it means this: he's the "one". you know when people tell you there will always be a person in your life that you are fully and irreversibly in love with? that "one". and now you have had the same epiphany i had at 4 AM and your are thinking "FML". or rather "FYL" (fuck your life)...

no i don't know what i'm going to do about it. but now i know what this is.