great romances of the 21st century.

"...we fell asleep at 1 a.m., with garden state playing mute and the sounds of david bowie filling the room. i left early the next morning because i had work at 9. and when i got to work, i waited. i kept checking my phone, and i waited because i knew he would wake up and call me to ask 'where'd you go?' and sure enough, at 12:30 he calls. i could picture him in my head, still in the same position i left him on the sofa, but holding his phone. and he asks 'where'd you go?'... for a minute, i just smiled into the receiver."

what helps you grow [what gives you hell]

digital photography + ps and other image editing software has made my eyes go rotten.

i have been working with 35mm film for the past few months (cause i wanted an easy A.... bollocks) and it made me realize that i didn't work for SHIT when i shot digital. you do a shoot, if you don't like it you edit: sharpen, rotate, brighten, delete, selective contrast....

you have to work like HELL for that shit when you're working in the 35mm medium.

anyways, my point is i got a shot i'm really proud of. like not a single complaint about it, and it's the first one i've liked in the past 3 1/2 months. so it's a big deal.

eventually, i'll scan a few and put them up here.... or somewhere.

meanwhile, back on the ranch, life trudges on as i attempt to put together the summer tour of my dreams. if only people's schedules would play nice so i can get the concert i want out of this...

there's a name for that - it's called narcisism

people who take pictures of themselves constantly are not photographers. they are narcissists. words of wisdom. take them as you will.

creating the need for "needing" [an open letter to an inconsiderate individual]

i am proud of myself.
in the past week i've had my moral standards and tolerance for intrapersonal relationships tested, and i handled them the way i said i would - i would not suffer over what wasn't worth the loss, nor fight for something lacking integrity.

i feel like i have to preface this with saying some of my best friends are people i've established connections with over music. i've always assumed these people understood me best, because of the bond we shared. i have learned that this indeed was true, and the validity of this was tested by the people i realized that there was no connection, not even though the music. i fooled myself into thinking there was a connection because i identify meeting someone on behalf of music and connecting with someone through music.

i will never feel sorry for ending any connection with a human being who is inconsiderate. i will never feel sorry for telling a human being that they are inconsiderate and that they are responsible and deserving of everything that has ever happened and will happen to them, because that is how karma works. i will never feel sorry for telling a person that they indeed are not worth my time, but because of the kind of person i am i will indeed waste my time and theirs to clear my conscious of them by dispelling on them the ugly truth of whom they are.

it really does take a lot out of me to deal with situations as ugly as this. but it will never take as much out of me as it does to allow myself to be vulnerable and accessible to a person who will not be sensitive to my needs and desires as a human being.

all this being said, no i DON'T enjoy kicking people out of my life. but i will certainly do it, because i am putting myself first as of this year. i am and was not made to solely please. if you cannot meet my low standard of reality, truth and honesty, then i will show you the door. you are not necessary. i can, have, and will get along just fine without you in my life. i don't need you. don't ever trick yourself into thinking that i do.

[lucky.]

do you hear me, talking to you
across the water across the deep blue ocean
under the open sky, oh my, baby i'm trying

boy i hear you in my dreams
i feel your whisper across the sea
i keep you with me in my heart
you make it easier when life gets hard

lucky i'm in love with my best friend
lucky to have been where i have been
lucky to be coming home again

they don't know how long it takes
waiting for a love like this
every time we say goodbye
i wish we had one more kiss
i'll wait for you I promise you, I will

lucky I'm in love with my best friend
lucky to have been where I have been
lucky to be coming home again

lucky we're in love in every way
lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
lucky to be coming home someday

and so I'm sailing through the sea
to an island where we'll meet
you'll hear the music fill the air
i'll put a flower in your hair

though the breezes through trees
move so pretty you're all I see
as the world keeps spinning round
you hold me right here right now

lucky I'm in love with my best friend
lucky to have been where I have been
lucky to be coming home again

lucky we're in love in every way
lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
lucky to be coming home someday


-jason mraz-

"i want you to stay"

i just had a really insightful conversation with one of my best friends who broke up with her boyfriend tonight.

she was finally invested in this relationship. she was skeptical at first, because this guy is one of her closest friends, but she knew it because she'd just come back from break and all she wanted to tell him was how almost everything she did over break she had a follow up thought about him. they met up for coffee this afternoon. and he told her straight up that he had feelings for another woman, one of his co workers. he told her that he couldn't decide.

i had an epiphany. i don't think it's that he couldn't decide. but rather that he wanted her to tell him to stay. a basic human instinct magnified into a trait. you desire to be told what to do. even if it's not what you want. reverse psychology, if you will. therefore leaving the other party involved as the initiator. because they either asked you to stay or told you to go. they are the cause of issues if you stay because they told you to stay when you told them, or rather implied that you wanted to leave. they are the inflictors of their own heartbreak if they tell you to go, because YOU didn't tell them you wanted to go, they TOLD you to go.

and the best of us often are left standing amongst the ashes.

it makes me tired. to consistently be placed in the position of the pessimist. its not that i don't believe it will work. it's that i know you aren't invested. and to spare myself the pain of constantly fighting to keep you here, i'd rather tell you to go then say "i want you to stay."

"...i think that she knows."

you're damn right i do!

"kiss my ass and call it sweet, ya smooth talking sonofabitch! FUCK YOU."

you're more like the man on the cover than the man in the book.

why don't you trust me to help you bear the weight?

how does it profit a man to bear the world on his shoulders when only a small corner kisses his knees?

i'm trying to help you. by presenting you with another perspective. not to hurt you. so why do you take offense?

i'll wait until you say when. i'll wait until you say go. i'll wait until you understand.