epiphany #3

"sometimes people don't want to fall in love.
because when you love someone, it's too late to set conditions.
you can't say 'i'll love you if you do this' or 'i'll love you if you change that'
because you can't help yourself;
and then you have to live with whoever it is you fall in love with, however they are
and just put up with the difficulties you've made for yourself
because true love has no conditions.

that's why it's so awful to fall in love."

my heart is a martyr.

so for a long time i've had this hidden creed. it's the way i've dealt with separation and rejection for as long as i can remember. and it has been effective -- to a point. i've told myself that should i be so determined to remove someone from my life personally, not socially, so that the causal term of acquaintances can be applied, but nothing more, that person would cease to affect me. i feel like we all have this creed. as a way from shielding ourselves from future pains. casting an invisible suit of armor made of indifference, age and experience to guard ourselves from ever feeling vulnerable again. encasing your ability to love in a film of kryptonite to protect you from the only danger that causes you to re-examine yourself: being hurt.

now i always thought i didn't believe in heart break, but a series of events that took place about a year ago left me with a different sentiment. bruised, battered, broken and undoubtedly wounded, my heart fought to keep beating in my chest, while i created the most impenetrable fortress for it to reside in til the end of days; hate.

it has taken me until now to realize that this fortress of hate was in fact the least protective of them all. because it showed that i still cared.

i let myself continue along the well beaten path of my creed of emotional excavation. however this path was different. regardless of the feelings that once were, a good friend is a good friend. so i continued to talk to him about practically everything our world revolved around: life, God, death, love, and family. i had the frequent and not at all subtle pains of having my heartstrings plucked when he would talk about girls he liked, what he feared, and what he was excited for, and conditioned myself to think that this sensation was coupled with this new fortress in my chest - the one of hate. that these potent pains were flames of hate raging in the vital organ in my chest to stop his searching heart from finding mine. a defense mechanism. but too soon, these pains became constant aches. a feeling similar to having heartbreak again, my heart was fighting it's fortress. the sensation was not a defense mechanism, it was the feeling of surrender. my heart convincing my mind that it wanted to be joined with this heart no matter the hurt. because the suffering was less this way than it was being alone.

and now as i sit here i notice something about this, my heart. that it is still broken. still haggardly beating the way it had when it was bruised, battered and wounded, and instead of allowing itself to heal in seclusion, it is wrapped around this, his heart, which is beating strong full and without any need of me to continue it's race, while again this, my heart will only continue down it's weary path for as long as his heart remains unscathed. this, my heart, is a martyr. for love.

so what does this all mean? as strange of a path as this has all taken, and as young as i my be, i think it means this: he's the "one". you know when people tell you there will always be a person in your life that you are fully and irreversibly in love with? that "one". and now you have had the same epiphany i had at 4 AM and your are thinking "FML". or rather "FYL" (fuck your life)...

no i don't know what i'm going to do about it. but now i know what this is.

<3. seriously.

"in our darkest hour, in my deepest despair, will you still care?
will you be there?
in my trials and my tribulations, through our doubts and frustrations
in my violence, in my turbulence, through my fear and my confessions
in my anguish and my pain, through my joy and my sorrow
in the promise of another tomorrow,
i'll never let you part- for you are always in my heart."

oldies, but goodies.

6 AUGUST 2008


title: “consider this the bitterest goodbye…. kiss mine”

dear __________,

i am revoking your friendship. please do not bother replying or reapplying. all further inquiries can be directed to your lack of common sense.

thank you.

<3.


25 AUGUST 2008

title: introduction.

hi, i’m addy.

i’m ninteen years old, five foot nine inches short, and i have love handles.

i wear my heart on my sleeve, but there’s a steel bracelet hovering over it at all times. good luck trying to reach it.

my sense of self sucks, but my sense of others is impeccable.

i’m attracted to shallow men who spend more time primping than i do.

i attract shallow men who spend more time primping than i do. this is a problem.

i don’t believe that common ground is safe ground.
hi, my name is addy, and i plan on changing the world.

<3.


4 NOVEMBER 2008

title: i am a snowflake.

i am a snowflake. i am special and unique.

i am a hopless romantic, periodic existentialist, finite objectivist, and a timeless human being.

YOU are NOT a snowflake. hah.

purposefully repressed [excavated from the black heart of a negress]

like i said before i had a blog before this... many blogs before this.
i left the last one with the intent to never rediscover it. it was a blog created for and by all the worst reasons to make a blog - writing for someone else.

and i started to realize this, and my posts became more pointed and bitter.
until i finally stopped writing it.

a little over a week ago, i received an e-mail saying someone commented on it, and it had been the first thought i have given to that blog since the day i abandoned it. long story short; repression works, folks.

i won't try and hide it; so if you ever wanna see the definition of forced blogging and false emotion, you can read it here: http://splendorinthegrass.wordpress.com/

i was quite literally, writing someone else's disrepair in my words... and that someone else took my words and plastered them elsewhere as their own. in light of these repressed and very much recalled memories i went back to the blog, and i found a few gems among the rubbish. and i'll be re posting them here, cause i'm proud of them. they are the few momemnts of yes, bitter, but reality that i had in that god forsaken blog.

hate is a strong word - but i really really really don't like you

I won't regret saying this
This thing that I'm saying
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut,
That goes without saying
Call (call) break (break) it (it) off (off)
Call (call) break (break) my (my) own heart (heart)
Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad but, in case I'll go there everyday
To make myself feel bad, there's a chance
I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do

i know, i know, i know [you're still my love]

From hundreds of miles, yeah, you cry like a baby.
You plead with me, shout, scream, tell me I'm staying.
I know I know I know, I'm still your love.
Back from the last place that I wanted to fake,
You laugh with me, shout, scream, now tell me you're staying.
I know I know I know, you're still my love.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Box after box and you're still by my side.
The weather is changing and breaking my stride.
Oh well I know I know I know, it's just this day.
House after house, just like car after car,
You see club after club, and it all seems so far.
I know I know I know, what else are we here for?
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Stick your hands inside of my pockets,
Keep them warm while I'm still here.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.

Last night I was writing about you,
I know my screaming and shouting won't keep you.
I know I know I know, you're still my love.
I wake up to the sound of you working,
In one room right over, you're stressing and loving me.
I know I know I know, be still my love.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Stick your hands inside of my pockets,
Keep them warm while I'm still here.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.
Stick your heart inside of my chest,
Keep it warm here while we rest.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.

The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

soil, soil [ashes to ashes/ i never want to feel this way again]

Oh and I'm feeling directionless yes
But that's to be expected
And I know that best
And in creeps the morning
And another day's lost
You've just written wondering
And I reply fast

All you need to save me
All you need to save me
Call(call)
And I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all(all)
And I won't take any other call

I feel like a fool
So I'm going to stop troubling you
Buried in my yard
A letter to send to you
And if I forget
Or God Forbid
Die too soon
Hope that you'll hear me
Know that I wrote to you

All you need to say to me
All you need to say to me
Is call(call)
And I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all
And I won't take any other call

something i lack

a photo.
that accurately represents me,
safely, at any given
point
in a fixed period of time
as short as 3 months
and as long as
a
year.

i luh you. [don't ever fucking question that]

don't ever fucking question that
don't ever fucking question that
don't ever fucking question that

don't ever fucking question that
don't ever fucking question that
don't ever fucking question that

enough to hold you to the brightest of lights,
to place you dangerously close to that sun,
enough to acknowledge the flaws you can't ignore
and recognize the cause of what's done is done,
more than enough to put my name behind my ideals,
and neglect my logic twice daily.
enough to keep me looking for my lucy in the sky with gems,
when i remember how you used to call me baby,
enough to look in my mirror with detest
for every tear you shed regardless of why you wept,
enough to curse any man who can't appreciate the depth
of the ocean I swam till i ran out of breath.

i love you, don't ever fucking question that,
that's why we'll probably never get along.
if i was better at finding the right words to say,
i wouldn't need to write these motherfucking songs.

i love you... i love you
never, don't ever fucking question that,
don't ever fucking question that.

riding the public transit,
i study the blank stares to answer my questions
of how and why I got so many grey hairs.
i take care of the nervous that runs through my extension cord,
and i reflect on that reoccurring dream where we met the Lord.
single file lines, to give her a pound one at a time
but when i faced her- i attempted to embrace her, she looked so fine,
i awoke from my sleep before her bodyguard had a chance to beat me
to submission and i still walk with my religion.
i watched the children scurry in circles around a two-way mirror,
worrying about which side of the glass projects the reflection clearer.
i hear the whispers of the wind trying to get me to grin,
gassing' me up about the love that i plucked and i've been stuck within,
for every eclipse that stares at me
from the other side of a paper cup of espresso-
i light a match beneath a kettle,
and for ever set of lips that become attached and equipped with that program
to seek success, i bleed my ethics out a slow drip.
i used to know a man who met a woman, dont remember where,
big beautiful eyes and light brown hair,
she was from the burbs, he was from the south side of the city,
this was back when Franklin avenue was still pretty.
two different worlds apart, but the world is just a small town-
we all know how people like to get down.
here we go, aquarius, pisces,
feel the flow of the fluid as i swim through it to free my soul.
push up the game without the glove numb the pain.
the magic from up above what it does for the brain,

make the love, paint the picture, write the song,
the player met a virgin made a virgo named him sean.
make the love, paint the picture, write the song,
the player met a virgin made a virgo named him sean.
make the love, paint the picture
and write that song till the break of dawn.

i love you- don't ever fucking question that,
that's why we'll probably never get along.
if i was better at finding the right words to say,
i wouldn't need to write these motherfucking songs.

i love you- don't ever fucking question that,
that's why we'll probably never get along.
if i was better at finding the right words to say,
i wouldn't need to write these motherfucking songs.

nineteen. [i want to feel this way forever]

i felt you in my legs before I even met you
and when i laid beside you for the first time
i told you i feel you in my heart, and i don't even know you
now we're saying bye, bye, bye
now we're saying bye, bye, bye

i was nineteen (call me)
i felt you in my life before I ever thought to
feel the need to lay down beside you and tell you
i feel you in my heart, and I don't even know you
and now we're saying bye, bye, bye
now we're saying bye, bye, bye

i was nineteen (call me)
i was nineteen (call me)
flew home, back to where we met
stayed inside i was so upset
cooked up a plan, so good except
i was all alone you were all I had [love you]
you were all mine [love me]

i was yours right
i was yours right
i was nineteen (call me)
i was nineteen (call me)

the difference between stuff i support and stuff i do.

let's make the distinction clear, ladies and gents. there's stuff i do for shits and giggles, or to be more cynical about it - stuff i don't love but do cause i feel obligated, and there's stuff i support, to be even more cynical, i'd die an ecstatic orgasmic death supporting the damn thing.

STUFF I SUPPORT:
one) Aware Records. not cause i work for them, but because they are on their shit.
two) quietdrive music LLC. because kevin and i have plans for a shared wardrobe
three) the chicago music scene because it's always offered me a place to sleep
four) the minneapolis music scene because it reps itself.
five) the varsity theatre (the venue, not necessarily the artist that play there)

STUFF I DO:
one) Bootleggers. cause the bartenders are sex.
two) weteam. because coincidentally, their band logo is the same symbol i was going to have emblazoned on my skin.
three) merch whoring. because i'm building up my resume
four) MSA student at large election facilitator. because then i can have as many free cups of chai as i want.


also, for the record, my preference lies with things i SUPPORT.

why smart people do/say stupid things.

so there's this guy i know that has a blog (http://johnpaulroney.blogspot.com)

and every time he writes a blog, there are a bunch of (for lack of a better word) loonies who leave comments that 1) are always longer than the blog entry in question; 2) overly analytical; 3) contain WAY more information that you, as a blog reader would ever care to know about said loony's life to the point that it creates a deeply seeded and festering annoyance every time you want to comment said blog because you have to scroll past what seems like fyodor dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment in it's entirety - but only because you know 1/2 of it is irrelevant bullcrap. or maybe it's just me.

and i don't actually know why "smart" (assuming the loony IS smart) people do/say dumb things. but they do. my advice? twitter. concise ideas wouldn't kill a sister. learn to be brief. quickly. because the more you talk, the dumber you sound.

"...much virtue in 'IF'..."

as the seasons change, and our behaviors begin to settle, i find myself swept up with the desire to dream.

here's to the sunny spring days and the cool spring nights i'll spend with my head in the clouds - wondering "what if...."

Your If is the only peacemaker. Much virtue in If.
-William Shakespeare

great romances of the 21st century.

"...we fell asleep at 1 a.m., with garden state playing mute and the sounds of david bowie filling the room. i left early the next morning because i had work at 9. and when i got to work, i waited. i kept checking my phone, and i waited because i knew he would wake up and call me to ask 'where'd you go?' and sure enough, at 12:30 he calls. i could picture him in my head, still in the same position i left him on the sofa, but holding his phone. and he asks 'where'd you go?'... for a minute, i just smiled into the receiver."

what helps you grow [what gives you hell]

digital photography + ps and other image editing software has made my eyes go rotten.

i have been working with 35mm film for the past few months (cause i wanted an easy A.... bollocks) and it made me realize that i didn't work for SHIT when i shot digital. you do a shoot, if you don't like it you edit: sharpen, rotate, brighten, delete, selective contrast....

you have to work like HELL for that shit when you're working in the 35mm medium.

anyways, my point is i got a shot i'm really proud of. like not a single complaint about it, and it's the first one i've liked in the past 3 1/2 months. so it's a big deal.

eventually, i'll scan a few and put them up here.... or somewhere.

meanwhile, back on the ranch, life trudges on as i attempt to put together the summer tour of my dreams. if only people's schedules would play nice so i can get the concert i want out of this...

there's a name for that - it's called narcisism

people who take pictures of themselves constantly are not photographers. they are narcissists. words of wisdom. take them as you will.

creating the need for "needing" [an open letter to an inconsiderate individual]

i am proud of myself.
in the past week i've had my moral standards and tolerance for intrapersonal relationships tested, and i handled them the way i said i would - i would not suffer over what wasn't worth the loss, nor fight for something lacking integrity.

i feel like i have to preface this with saying some of my best friends are people i've established connections with over music. i've always assumed these people understood me best, because of the bond we shared. i have learned that this indeed was true, and the validity of this was tested by the people i realized that there was no connection, not even though the music. i fooled myself into thinking there was a connection because i identify meeting someone on behalf of music and connecting with someone through music.

i will never feel sorry for ending any connection with a human being who is inconsiderate. i will never feel sorry for telling a human being that they are inconsiderate and that they are responsible and deserving of everything that has ever happened and will happen to them, because that is how karma works. i will never feel sorry for telling a person that they indeed are not worth my time, but because of the kind of person i am i will indeed waste my time and theirs to clear my conscious of them by dispelling on them the ugly truth of whom they are.

it really does take a lot out of me to deal with situations as ugly as this. but it will never take as much out of me as it does to allow myself to be vulnerable and accessible to a person who will not be sensitive to my needs and desires as a human being.

all this being said, no i DON'T enjoy kicking people out of my life. but i will certainly do it, because i am putting myself first as of this year. i am and was not made to solely please. if you cannot meet my low standard of reality, truth and honesty, then i will show you the door. you are not necessary. i can, have, and will get along just fine without you in my life. i don't need you. don't ever trick yourself into thinking that i do.

[lucky.]

do you hear me, talking to you
across the water across the deep blue ocean
under the open sky, oh my, baby i'm trying

boy i hear you in my dreams
i feel your whisper across the sea
i keep you with me in my heart
you make it easier when life gets hard

lucky i'm in love with my best friend
lucky to have been where i have been
lucky to be coming home again

they don't know how long it takes
waiting for a love like this
every time we say goodbye
i wish we had one more kiss
i'll wait for you I promise you, I will

lucky I'm in love with my best friend
lucky to have been where I have been
lucky to be coming home again

lucky we're in love in every way
lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
lucky to be coming home someday

and so I'm sailing through the sea
to an island where we'll meet
you'll hear the music fill the air
i'll put a flower in your hair

though the breezes through trees
move so pretty you're all I see
as the world keeps spinning round
you hold me right here right now

lucky I'm in love with my best friend
lucky to have been where I have been
lucky to be coming home again

lucky we're in love in every way
lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
lucky to be coming home someday


-jason mraz-

"i want you to stay"

i just had a really insightful conversation with one of my best friends who broke up with her boyfriend tonight.

she was finally invested in this relationship. she was skeptical at first, because this guy is one of her closest friends, but she knew it because she'd just come back from break and all she wanted to tell him was how almost everything she did over break she had a follow up thought about him. they met up for coffee this afternoon. and he told her straight up that he had feelings for another woman, one of his co workers. he told her that he couldn't decide.

i had an epiphany. i don't think it's that he couldn't decide. but rather that he wanted her to tell him to stay. a basic human instinct magnified into a trait. you desire to be told what to do. even if it's not what you want. reverse psychology, if you will. therefore leaving the other party involved as the initiator. because they either asked you to stay or told you to go. they are the cause of issues if you stay because they told you to stay when you told them, or rather implied that you wanted to leave. they are the inflictors of their own heartbreak if they tell you to go, because YOU didn't tell them you wanted to go, they TOLD you to go.

and the best of us often are left standing amongst the ashes.

it makes me tired. to consistently be placed in the position of the pessimist. its not that i don't believe it will work. it's that i know you aren't invested. and to spare myself the pain of constantly fighting to keep you here, i'd rather tell you to go then say "i want you to stay."

"...i think that she knows."

you're damn right i do!

"kiss my ass and call it sweet, ya smooth talking sonofabitch! FUCK YOU."

you're more like the man on the cover than the man in the book.

why don't you trust me to help you bear the weight?

how does it profit a man to bear the world on his shoulders when only a small corner kisses his knees?

i'm trying to help you. by presenting you with another perspective. not to hurt you. so why do you take offense?

i'll wait until you say when. i'll wait until you say go. i'll wait until you understand.

sick.

LAMEEEEE.

i feel and look like shit. that is a fact.

on a slightly happier note happy hallmark holiday a.k.a. valentine's day.
there were roses on my desk this morning. FTW, valentine's day?

<3.

alarm the alarm

if i'm the first to go, then make it quick
(then make it quick, then make it quick)
we're so young and naïve

if i'm the first to go, then make it quick
(then make it quick, then make it quick)
we're so young and naïve...

it's all for nothing, nothing at all
liars can't be martyrs, don't you know?
let me give it to your plain and simple
you walk a fine line, you walk a fine line
you speak of change, you speak of progress
Well I'll believe it when I see it for myself
let me spell it out a little more clearly
you walk a fine line, you walk a fine line.

can't you see the irony in
what you do to me?
you get so close (so close)
you make me feel so terribly alone...

fixing what is broken.

"My life has a wonderful cast. I'm just having trouble figuring out the plot."

what if the plot wasn't the problem? what if the cast is the problem?
what if it was my fault? because i cast incorrectly?
what if i have the plot all figured out, and it's the actors that don't fit?
what do you do then?

how can you fix what is broken? how do you know that it's cost effective to repair, instead of starting anew?

if you don't laugh, you cry.

i'm not a bad person.

i have to keep saying that aloud every once in a while to remind myself that it's true. because regardless of what i know, what i am aware of, and what i have (and will) experience, i am somehow tricked into thinking otherwise. all the time.

i realize when i am being mistreated. i confront it. i do not and will not tolerate being set aside like a broken and outgrown toy. i am a person. a friend. NOT a toy. i will not let myself be disregarded in such a manner. i will NOT be cast off. i will discuss, like an adult, and cut all ties if need be. but i won't let your number take up space in my phone book, i won't be a cute addition to your list of facebook "friends", or a blog's worth of stolen quotes.

i understand when i am being accused. there is a difference in accusal and confrontation. it's not worth the internet screaming matches, we're all too old for that.

i am aware when i am being ignored. i don't care what your excuses are and what circumstances changed you. you are responsible for your relationships with other individuals. there is not a pardon for conscious ignorance. and i will not meet you half way in a situation you have ruptured. if you break it, you fix it. i won't help you pick up the pieces, but i will hold the mended plate. because i have done my part. i don't believe there is any power in the universe that would disagree with that.

i'm just so tired of being made to feel that i am doing wrong by not allowing myself to be inconvenienced, ill-used and ignored. i am worth more than that.

"addy - i'm going to think of you every time i see mittens"

on 21.jan.2009, i got to see my all time favorite band anberlin play a show at first avenue. it was pretty effing epic. i won't even lie, the whole show is a bit of a blur, probably because i waited too long to blog, or maybe because my head is still spinning from getting to meet stephen christian. either way, the most important thing that happened i remembered:

i went back to to loading door after the show, and got to meet anberlin. i charmed stephen into a 30 minute conversation on a lot of stuff like our love of ee cummings, their tour so far, their growing fanbase in minnesota, and how he spent the better part of the past year and some months writing a book. it was FREEZING cold outside, and he kept shoving his hands in his pockets, and i suggested they head on the bus for warmth, and stephen said "no! i like talking to you, addy!" and then i offered him my mittens. he was reluctant to take them at first and i told him if he didn't i'd be offended, and then he told me about how he's never owned a pair of mittens. "i grew up in florida, and i live in california... i don't even think they sell mittens in california! addy - i'm going to think of you every time i see mittens." it warmed my heart. which conpensated for my freezing hands. and then i wanted to take a picture of him for my photography project, and he said he'd only let me take the picture if i would take one with him first. how charming. and wonderful. i would be perfectly content living the rest of my life like this.

i found God on the corner of 1st and [7th Street] - The Fray @ First Avenue

last night was possibly one of the best nights of my life.

The Fray, quite possibly my FAVOURITE band ever, like competing with Anberlin for first place on my top 10 of all time list played a sold out show at First Avenue last night (8.jan.2009).

random fact: both of these bands have/will be playing First Avenue this month. Anberlin is on the 21st. and yes, i plan on being there!

it was a great day. i got to meet the gentlemen of the Fray, by using my higher brain functions and lucking out by knowing the guy that was working the loading door. i got to talk to dave, isaac, ben and joe for like an hour and a half, and they are WONDERFUL people. then they went off to their meet and greet, and i went off to sell some merch for them.

before the show even started, we sold about 2,700 dollars in merch. there were a lot of screaming girls. i believe one girl might have said "OMG, WHAT IF ISAAC TOUCHED THIS SHIRT?!?!" and proceeded to hold it up to her face and jump around.

as for the show-
Vedera opened and was AMAZING. they are a great band, i highly reccommend checking them out. they got great energy from the crowd, they started rocking out right away, even if they didn't know the words, and when they announced they were about to play their last song there was a chant of "one more song!" that broke out. it was a sight to behold.

the Fray's set up was chaotic beauty. lamps everywhichwhere in every imaginable shape and size. there was even a chandelier and 3 or 4 other hanging lights. and they all lit up. they played mostly songs from "how to save a life", plus the single "you found me" from the album due to release on 3.feb.2009. the songs i remember they played (being the dork i am knowing all the words) were:
she is
over my head (cable car)
all at once
look after you
hundred
vienna
and last, but not least
you found me

not to mention the 3 song encore. which i was (shamefully) strung out on hearing "you found me" live, and selling t-shirts crazily to notice.

Isaac announced that it was his dad's birthday, and asked if the crowd wanted to sing happy birthday to him. a girl in the front row even gave him her phone to call. he said "you're not going to stalk my dad now, are you?" and called his dad. they had a conversation that if i remember correctly went like this:

isaac: hi pops
mr.slade: isaac? how are you?
isaac: i'm good-- i'm at your birthday party!
mr.slade: (laughs) who's phone are you calling from, i didn't recognize the number.
isaac: oh... i borrowed one from a... friend. hey dad, hold on i want you to hear something...

and the audience proceeded in a beautiful chorus of "happy birthday, isaac's dad."

watching the crowd is so amazing. if you ever get the chance to just stand in the back of the room and take it all in, i'd do it. there are so many different people who are all doing the same thing in the same place because they have this one thing in common, and it's a life changing sight.

basically it was the best New Year's gift. ever.

i can't explain in words how much hearing the song "you found me" live meant to me. ever since i heard the song in November i thought "oh my god, these people have been reading my journal." that song is every single heartbreak and letdown you will ever experience in life, combined with struggling with what you believe in. because you can have such a solid foundation in faith, and yet when you need it to help pull you through the most, it's nowhere to be found-- and you are left thinking that terrible things happen to good people, at no claim of their own.

which is why last night, i found God on the corner of 1st and [7th Street].


I found God on the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I Said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning, City breaks
I’ve been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Why’d you have to wait?
To find me, to find me

[you found me | the fray]

<3

apologies

i HATE apologies.

if you want a surefire way to piss me off for at least a week, say "i'm sorry." i promise you, it will work.

the words "i'm sorry" are unacceptable. if you are truly apologetic, you will manifest your sorrow in change. you will try and prevent whatever it was from reoccurring.

the only sorry i will ever accept is in the song "birthday" by quietdrive.
[i'm sorry i forgot your birthday, i'm sorry cause i was shitfaced...]
classic.

and as i friend of mine pointed out to me today, "i'm sorry" is a weapon to be used against you. like when it turns into "i'm sorry you feel that way."
well, screw you, too. sounds like a personal problem.

and that is that.

new year, new blog.

i've been inspired by one of my best friends to start a new blog for a new year.

i won't even deny it, i am a bit of a blog whore. i have [had] 3 in the past 3 years - livejornal, the one on the QD website and wordpress. most recently wordpress. i found i was writing in it more for the sake of people who were reading it rather than for the sake of blogging, and so i refused to update it once the audience wasn't paying attention anymore. [not that there was any objection from said audience].

so in honor of the new year/ new blog, a real first post.
plus a cheat post to commerate my new year's resolution:



1/1/09 at 11:11 AM.
2008 was a long year.
a very long, very hard year, and at the same time, i am and will be eternally grateful for it.

i was blessed to have met some of the most wonderful people who have helped me get through some of the toughest times i've faced so far in my life. despite the circumstance under which i met some or all of these individuals, it was worth going through to end up where i am now.

i experienced the loss of one of my best friends who took his own life. the effect was devastating. i've lost both my grandparents and some aunts and uncles in my life, but i can honestly say i wasn't old enough to understand what a blow death was until daniel's happened. even though the blow was crippling, it has made me stronger, wiser, and more humble.

i learned so much about myself. i haven't figured myself out 100%, but i have enough to know what it is i value and what i don't value. some of these realizations have cost me some friendships, but as the saying goes, when one door closes, another window opens. i have learned that i do not place as much trust in people as i used to, and it is making my life easier. i am no longer slow to anger, and it is making my life more difficult.

i've come to terms with the hand that the universe has dealt me. i accept that any shortcomings are due to my lack of preparation and the achievements are due to my persistence. i know that what i produce is in my control, and the barricades along the way will only serve as such for as long as i see them as a hindrance.


this year, my resolution is to let the past be the past.
"For last year's words belong to last year's language, and next year's words await another voice."
-T.S. Eliot

and because this is one resolution that can be applicable daily - not [only] yearly.

and that is true.

happy 2009!